The pendulum of sexual preference.

Like most of you I imagine, over the years some of my opinions have evolved and my personality has had a few tweaks here and there as I have got a bit older and wiser. Growing up on a working class Yorkshire housing estate instilled in me a few "default" ways of thinking that I never thought to deviate from until I became a bit more self aware and gained enough real world experience to form my own opinions. One of the standard beliefs held by my peers (and so by association me as well) was that any male that deviated from the sexual norm of liking girls was disgusting, a person to be feared and hated. This led to the mistaken belief that where we lived and where we went to school there were no gay people. To us gay people were so alien they seemed to live a million miles away from our world where people drank, swore, had tattoos. went to the footy and got into fights.

Obviously this was due to the fact that if anybody at any of the schools I attended had admitted to being gay then their lives would have been made a living hell for the entire duration of their education. In my last few years of high school this prejudice was at its peak and although there were a few vague rumours about one or two lads and lasses, I never actually met a bona fide "out" gay person until I was in my early twenties and even then I had the firm conviction that a person was either 100% straight, 100% gay, or in the case of the bisexualised, 100% a swinger of both ways.

It was only when I begun to have the casual acquaintance of homosexual people via friends of friends or through work did I begin to give the subject any more than a passing thought. I'm not sure whether this is due to some kind of personal repression or if I am the same as everybody else but I do recall a time when I could never have admitted it to myself, much less the entire world, that I could acknowledge the attractiveness of another man. Nowadays, and more increasingly the older I become, I couldn't give too much of a fuck what most people think of me and anything as trivial as people speculating about my sexuality would make me cackle like a witch but back in my teens I would have been very embarrassed at the prospect.

I never really recall going through any cast iron doubts about my being straight, I knew from a pretty early age how affected I could be by a nice looking lady wearing not very much and I never harboured any feelings for any of my mates or any male celebrities but I found it a bit strange that I could see someone that was better looking than me and who got more attention from girls at school and along with being envious of this, there was a very definite sense of appreciation on my part. I was not at all comfortable acknowledging this.

Much later it occurred to me that absolutely everyone can be placed on a sliding scale of sexual preference and none of us are homo or hetero by default. The very, very gay are on one end of this scale, wearing outrageous outfits and buying everyone champagne and on the other there sits a man with a pint of mild and a copy of The Sun secretly terrified that his Son might one day come out because he is still single and listens to Robbie Williams.

On this scale I would place myself at about the 80% straight mark, as I am a man that goes doolally when my girlfriend seduces me with new underwear BUT on the other hand I can comment on how well another man wears his suit without being self concious. I like watching a good scrap BUT I cry at the drop of a hat when kids are suffering on TV. I can easily have my head turned in summer by a lass with long tanned legs, and will mostly let my eyes linger for a moment too long at the risk of getting busted BUT I did once see a picture of David Beckham with his top off and thought he looked strikingly good.
Take a moment dear reader to be honest with yourself and put a percentage figure on how straight or gay you are.

Nowadays people (especially youngsters, or "the yoot") seem to find it a lot easier to comment on such things and seem to lack the repression of years gone by. I was struck by this the other day when reading the excellent Generation Kill, Rolling Stone reporter Evan Wright's account of his experiences with 1st Recon Battalion of the US Marine Corps during the second invasion of Iraq.

One passage of the book quotes a Marine referencing the physical attractiveness of Sgt. "Fruity" Rudy Reyes, a (straight) fitness guru and martial artist who is considered to be the most attractive man in his platoon:

"It doesn’t mean you’re gay if you think Rudy’s hot. He’s just so beautiful," Person explains. "We all think he’s hot."

I was surprised that such an attitude would be present, much less comfortably vocalised by a gung ho US Marine and experienced badass killer but there it is and I thought it to be an hilariously candid quote.

In a weird kind of way I suppose I am quite proud that I am not a product of the environment I grew up in. For instance I know men for whom even discussing two men kissing or having sex is too much for them to bear, they squirm and screw up their face as if to vomit, as if the mental image will somehow turn them. Way I see it is: ok, as long as there are nubile young ladies in stockings and thongs with push up bras and nice heels in this world it's not for me and never will be. It wouldn't arouse me or give me any pleasure but fuck it, whatever makes you happy or gets you going is what you should be doing, in accordance with the standard disclaimer that it's all consensual and nobody comes to any harm. I could certainly never be offended by two people of the same sex being affectionate in public as I know some people are and I see it as progressive that I have such a radically different attitude than the one I was programmed with as a child.

So in essence what I am trying to say is
A: "Go me! I am so accepting!"
and
B: "I admit that I am 20% gay."