Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
Monday, 21 September 2009
Falling out of love with the politics of friendship part 1.
The following post is devoid of humour and for that I apologise an advance.
Social politics are really beginning to get on my tits at the moment, chiefly the mistaken belief held by many that just because they get on with and have respect for a person it so follows that everyone else should too.
I am of the firm belief that you just can't get along with everybody, and what's more it is fine to not even try beyond a certain point.
Everyone I am introduced to will have a different perspective, different moral values and a completely different first impression of me than the previous person that met me. Someone you really like and get on with may annoy the living shit out of me from day one. Factors such as the type of mood we were both in at the time may come into play or we simply may be too similar or too dissimilar for a friendship to develop. Does it make me or them a bad person? Not at all and it doesn't mean I have a problem with you being friends, it doesn't mean I am ever going to be annoyed with you for interacting or socialising with them, it just means I may choose not to. I personally don't like to spend time around people that annoy me, or hold radically different beliefs or opinions that offend me, or who have I zero in common with and neither should they. That's all there is to it.
The reverse is also true and just as annoying ie. when somebody has fallen out with a person or just plain can't stand them to begin with, why am I suddenly expected to fall in line and start dissing them too? I am not a fucking baby, I don't walk around being led by the nose, I form an opinion of someone and then stick to it until they give me a reason to rethink.
I have actually more than once had people stop talking to me because they have fallen out with someone I still get along with, for reasons that are fuck all to do with me in any way shape or form. I know peoples ego's can get bruised and they may be under the impression that I have taken a side but the truth is I have done the opposite. If I am not willing to fall out with someone on your say so then take it as a given that I would never disrespect you or take sides against you either.
The day a person wakes up to the fact that these expectations are unrealistic, and there is no shame in that is a happy one indeed.
Social politics are really beginning to get on my tits at the moment, chiefly the mistaken belief held by many that just because they get on with and have respect for a person it so follows that everyone else should too.
I am of the firm belief that you just can't get along with everybody, and what's more it is fine to not even try beyond a certain point.
Everyone I am introduced to will have a different perspective, different moral values and a completely different first impression of me than the previous person that met me. Someone you really like and get on with may annoy the living shit out of me from day one. Factors such as the type of mood we were both in at the time may come into play or we simply may be too similar or too dissimilar for a friendship to develop. Does it make me or them a bad person? Not at all and it doesn't mean I have a problem with you being friends, it doesn't mean I am ever going to be annoyed with you for interacting or socialising with them, it just means I may choose not to. I personally don't like to spend time around people that annoy me, or hold radically different beliefs or opinions that offend me, or who have I zero in common with and neither should they. That's all there is to it.
The reverse is also true and just as annoying ie. when somebody has fallen out with a person or just plain can't stand them to begin with, why am I suddenly expected to fall in line and start dissing them too? I am not a fucking baby, I don't walk around being led by the nose, I form an opinion of someone and then stick to it until they give me a reason to rethink.
I have actually more than once had people stop talking to me because they have fallen out with someone I still get along with, for reasons that are fuck all to do with me in any way shape or form. I know peoples ego's can get bruised and they may be under the impression that I have taken a side but the truth is I have done the opposite. If I am not willing to fall out with someone on your say so then take it as a given that I would never disrespect you or take sides against you either.
The day a person wakes up to the fact that these expectations are unrealistic, and there is no shame in that is a happy one indeed.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
In Uniform.
Recently published research by top fashion scientists has revealed that by the year 2030 everybody on the earth without exception will be dressed like a cunt.
Venture out onto the city streets and you will encounter young men roaming in packs that have adopted current fashion trends without any thought and who are mindless to the consequences of such sartorial sheepishness. This is known as being In Uniform.
Here are some of my current favourites:
The Tight-Sag aka the Vampire Bat Pant.
A trouser that is cut for the maximum embarrassment of the wearer, impeding movement and preventing such actions as running for a bus, climbing over a small fence or being able to get change out of your pockets. A kind of cut and shut garment taking the worst elements of the skinny jean and the baggy pant and combining them for no discernable advantage whatsoever. Worn mainly by fashionable young Asian men with elaborate artistically styled facial hair that smell nice.
The Slouch or Oversize Beanie aka The Admiral Akbar or Trevor Nelson aka The Craig Duffy.
This must have headwear style for the discerning man In Uniform has been around for a while now and is still going strong. Basically an oversized beanie made to accommodate the jutting bean head of a modern day John Merrick but worn on purpose by men with average shaped craniums for a sort of baggy condom effect.
Has started to filter down to the poorer areas and is now replacing the Dappy Hat as de rigueur for those youths with a liking for Mayfair cigarettes and casual violence. Worn by the annoying fucker in front of you in the queue at the supermarket with the semi attractive girlfriend and one of those ghastly All Saints "Jesus Loves You" belts. You know, the one that you can just about restrain yourself from living out the fantasy of trying to force an unopened can of beans into his mouth and down his gullet, smashing his teeth to splinters on the way past because he looks like that much of a cunt.
The Peruvian Hat aka The Dappy Hat.
Named for scholar, philanthropist and poet Dappy from off of N-Dubz, this item is slowly being fazed out by it's usual sporters (lowlife, no hope, tracksuit wearing scum) as even they have realised that far from creating a strong look, this style of hat magically turns anyone that wears it into a complete cunt. In an unusual move borne of common sense they have spotted it's adoption as a huge mistake and would rather the whole thing was forgotten about so they can go back to wearing caps perched really far back on their peanut like heads.
The Plimsoll aka a complete reversal of everything this great country once stood for.
Saving the best till last, the current choice of footwear for 99% of males in Great Britain between the ages of 17 and 30 is also the cheapest, wears out the quickest, stinks the most, is the hardest to keep clean and happens to be the most generic, boring shoe invented by anyone anywhere ever.
There was a time in the hierarchy of teen fashion that the Plimsoll or Pump occupied the lowest spot on the table, representative of trampy, poor families who couldn't afford proper trainers and forced upon everybody else during Physical Education classes as mandatory athletic footwear. The point was to have a generic, cheap and disposable gym shoe that everyone could afford and wear as part of a uniform. Everybody hated them and the thought of being so uncool that you would be forced to wear them as your everyday trainers was beyond comprehension.
Let's all give a great big well done and a pat on the back for todays young fashionistas for adopting the shoe that represents the least amount of imagination ever devoted to a design, buying them in fucking droves and then all going to the pub together looking exactly the same. Worn by pretty much anyone and everyone with no clue, if you have owned a pair in the last two years then you are a waste of easily led spunk.
Venture out onto the city streets and you will encounter young men roaming in packs that have adopted current fashion trends without any thought and who are mindless to the consequences of such sartorial sheepishness. This is known as being In Uniform.
Here are some of my current favourites:
The Tight-Sag aka the Vampire Bat Pant.
A trouser that is cut for the maximum embarrassment of the wearer, impeding movement and preventing such actions as running for a bus, climbing over a small fence or being able to get change out of your pockets. A kind of cut and shut garment taking the worst elements of the skinny jean and the baggy pant and combining them for no discernable advantage whatsoever. Worn mainly by fashionable young Asian men with elaborate artistically styled facial hair that smell nice.
The Slouch or Oversize Beanie aka The Admiral Akbar or Trevor Nelson aka The Craig Duffy.
This must have headwear style for the discerning man In Uniform has been around for a while now and is still going strong. Basically an oversized beanie made to accommodate the jutting bean head of a modern day John Merrick but worn on purpose by men with average shaped craniums for a sort of baggy condom effect.
Has started to filter down to the poorer areas and is now replacing the Dappy Hat as de rigueur for those youths with a liking for Mayfair cigarettes and casual violence. Worn by the annoying fucker in front of you in the queue at the supermarket with the semi attractive girlfriend and one of those ghastly All Saints "Jesus Loves You" belts. You know, the one that you can just about restrain yourself from living out the fantasy of trying to force an unopened can of beans into his mouth and down his gullet, smashing his teeth to splinters on the way past because he looks like that much of a cunt.
The Peruvian Hat aka The Dappy Hat.
Named for scholar, philanthropist and poet Dappy from off of N-Dubz, this item is slowly being fazed out by it's usual sporters (lowlife, no hope, tracksuit wearing scum) as even they have realised that far from creating a strong look, this style of hat magically turns anyone that wears it into a complete cunt. In an unusual move borne of common sense they have spotted it's adoption as a huge mistake and would rather the whole thing was forgotten about so they can go back to wearing caps perched really far back on their peanut like heads.
The Plimsoll aka a complete reversal of everything this great country once stood for.
Saving the best till last, the current choice of footwear for 99% of males in Great Britain between the ages of 17 and 30 is also the cheapest, wears out the quickest, stinks the most, is the hardest to keep clean and happens to be the most generic, boring shoe invented by anyone anywhere ever.
There was a time in the hierarchy of teen fashion that the Plimsoll or Pump occupied the lowest spot on the table, representative of trampy, poor families who couldn't afford proper trainers and forced upon everybody else during Physical Education classes as mandatory athletic footwear. The point was to have a generic, cheap and disposable gym shoe that everyone could afford and wear as part of a uniform. Everybody hated them and the thought of being so uncool that you would be forced to wear them as your everyday trainers was beyond comprehension.
Let's all give a great big well done and a pat on the back for todays young fashionistas for adopting the shoe that represents the least amount of imagination ever devoted to a design, buying them in fucking droves and then all going to the pub together looking exactly the same. Worn by pretty much anyone and everyone with no clue, if you have owned a pair in the last two years then you are a waste of easily led spunk.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
The internet: how far is too far?
Hiya.
It's been a long time as I have not been arsed.
I could, if I tried, be a lot more on it with this blogging lark.
What I really need to do is link my Facebook to my Twitter to my blog, do another blog for serious stuff and keep this one for pissing about, get a phone with a decent camera to take more pics to post up, start reading a thousand and one other blogs and websites in order to cut and paste every banal titbit of "interesting news" that is posted on them then disappear up my own arse a bit more and spend my entire life sat at a computer on the internet or looking at my smartphone twittering my life away instead of actually living it. "Promote yourself even though you have nothing to promote, raise your profile so more people are aware of you" seems to be a lot of folk's remit but for what?
It's all a bit much isn't it and before you take this as being snobbish please understand I am fully aware that I am as guilty as anyone else. I get sucked in by every trend that you get sucked in by, I just don't take it as far as some.
For example, go on a random Facebook page and check out a typical night on the tiles. What used to be a normal weekday night at the pub with some mates has now evolved into some monstrous special occasion that needs to be documented at every stage by at least half the people there lest it be forgotten forever. People need to know what you did and where you went and what you drank and who you kissed and how shit you were at dancing and which sweaty, pseudo-mid orgasm face you tend to pull when you have had a few and someone fires a flash into your retinas. I swear these fuckers spend more time taking pictures of each other than they do drinking, talking or dancing and every photo taken is uploaded, captioned and tagged within four minutes of the party animal/biographer getting through their front door.
Do we want to see pictures of you getting ready to go out? No.
Do we want to see pictures of you in the pub toilets post piss? No.
Do we want to see pictures of you at the bar getting served? No.
We should all try and have an old school night out once in a while where nobody is allowed a digital camera or mobile/internet enabled cameraphone and you are only allowed to arrange a time and a place to meet up either face to face or using a land line (how in the name of sweet fuckery did we ever manage that one?).
If during said traditional night you have such a great time that you genuinely need people to be aware of the fact, you have to go to a payphone and call everyone you vaguely know then describe to them one by one, using the same short sentence, exactly what you are doing and why you felt the need to tell them. Does that feel silly and pointless? Well that is what you are taking time out to do every time you go out now motherfuckers! The fact it has been made easier doesn't make it any less sad.
Maybe with the pressure to perform no longer present we could all relax and have a really nice night out.
It's been a long time as I have not been arsed.
I could, if I tried, be a lot more on it with this blogging lark.
What I really need to do is link my Facebook to my Twitter to my blog, do another blog for serious stuff and keep this one for pissing about, get a phone with a decent camera to take more pics to post up, start reading a thousand and one other blogs and websites in order to cut and paste every banal titbit of "interesting news" that is posted on them then disappear up my own arse a bit more and spend my entire life sat at a computer on the internet or looking at my smartphone twittering my life away instead of actually living it. "Promote yourself even though you have nothing to promote, raise your profile so more people are aware of you" seems to be a lot of folk's remit but for what?
It's all a bit much isn't it and before you take this as being snobbish please understand I am fully aware that I am as guilty as anyone else. I get sucked in by every trend that you get sucked in by, I just don't take it as far as some.
For example, go on a random Facebook page and check out a typical night on the tiles. What used to be a normal weekday night at the pub with some mates has now evolved into some monstrous special occasion that needs to be documented at every stage by at least half the people there lest it be forgotten forever. People need to know what you did and where you went and what you drank and who you kissed and how shit you were at dancing and which sweaty, pseudo-mid orgasm face you tend to pull when you have had a few and someone fires a flash into your retinas. I swear these fuckers spend more time taking pictures of each other than they do drinking, talking or dancing and every photo taken is uploaded, captioned and tagged within four minutes of the party animal/biographer getting through their front door.
Do we want to see pictures of you getting ready to go out? No.
Do we want to see pictures of you in the pub toilets post piss? No.
Do we want to see pictures of you at the bar getting served? No.
We should all try and have an old school night out once in a while where nobody is allowed a digital camera or mobile/internet enabled cameraphone and you are only allowed to arrange a time and a place to meet up either face to face or using a land line (how in the name of sweet fuckery did we ever manage that one?).
If during said traditional night you have such a great time that you genuinely need people to be aware of the fact, you have to go to a payphone and call everyone you vaguely know then describe to them one by one, using the same short sentence, exactly what you are doing and why you felt the need to tell them. Does that feel silly and pointless? Well that is what you are taking time out to do every time you go out now motherfuckers! The fact it has been made easier doesn't make it any less sad.
Maybe with the pressure to perform no longer present we could all relax and have a really nice night out.
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