Venture out onto the city streets and you will encounter young men roaming in packs that have adopted current fashion trends without any thought and who are mindless to the consequences of such sartorial sheepishness. This is known as being In Uniform.
Here are some of my current favourites:
The Tight-Sag aka the Vampire Bat Pant.
A trouser that is cut for the maximum embarrassment of the wearer, impeding movement and preventing such actions as running for a bus, climbing over a small fence or being able to get change out of your pockets. A kind of cut and shut garment taking the worst elements of the skinny jean and the baggy pant and combining them for no discernable advantage whatsoever. Worn mainly by fashionable young Asian men with elaborate artistically styled facial hair that smell nice.
The Slouch or Oversize Beanie aka The Admiral Akbar or Trevor Nelson aka The Craig Duffy.
This must have headwear style for the discerning man In Uniform has been around for a while now and is still going strong. Basically an oversized beanie made to accommodate the jutting bean head of a modern day John Merrick but worn on purpose by men with average shaped craniums for a sort of baggy condom effect.
Has started to filter down to the poorer areas and is now replacing the Dappy Hat as de rigueur for those youths with a liking for Mayfair cigarettes and casual violence. Worn by the annoying fucker in front of you in the queue at the supermarket with the semi attractive girlfriend and one of those ghastly All Saints "Jesus Loves You" belts. You know, the one that you can just about restrain yourself from living out the fantasy of trying to force an unopened can of beans into his mouth and down his gullet, smashing his teeth to splinters on the way past because he looks like that much of a cunt.
The Peruvian Hat aka The Dappy Hat.
Named for scholar, philanthropist and poet Dappy from off of N-Dubz, this item is slowly being fazed out by it's usual sporters (lowlife, no hope, tracksuit wearing scum) as even they have realised that far from creating a strong look, this style of hat magically turns anyone that wears it into a complete cunt. In an unusual move borne of common sense they have spotted it's adoption as a huge mistake and would rather the whole thing was forgotten about so they can go back to wearing caps perched really far back on their peanut like heads.
The Plimsoll aka a complete reversal of everything this great country once stood for.
Saving the best till last, the current choice of footwear for 99% of males in Great Britain between the ages of 17 and 30 is also the cheapest, wears out the quickest, stinks the most, is the hardest to keep clean and happens to be the most generic, boring shoe invented by anyone anywhere ever.
There was a time in the hierarchy of teen fashion that the Plimsoll or Pump occupied the lowest spot on the table, representative of trampy, poor families who couldn't afford proper trainers and forced upon everybody else during Physical Education classes as mandatory athletic footwear. The point was to have a generic, cheap and disposable gym shoe that everyone could afford and wear as part of a uniform. Everybody hated them and the thought of being so uncool that you would be forced to wear them as your everyday trainers was beyond comprehension.
Let's all give a great big well done and a pat on the back for todays young fashionistas for adopting the shoe that represents the least amount of imagination ever devoted to a design, buying them in fucking droves and then all going to the pub together looking exactly the same. Worn by pretty much anyone and everyone with no clue, if you have owned a pair in the last two years then you are a waste of easily led spunk.
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