In the window of my local library (just as I imagine is the case with most others) there is a host of information for the bored nicotine fiend to check out before entering such as details of the local flower show, info on where to obtain help and support for the hard of hearing or those among us that only read Punjabi, museum and theatrical events and so on. Today they have been joined by this product of a diseased mind (who incidentally must have obtained permission to display it meaning more than one person thought it was a good idea).
I will try to break it down for you as best I can:
Interpol (probably the Dubai branch) are apparently keen to speak to the pictured gentleman who is a killer.
He has more than one name (as is usually the case with these Carlos The Jackal types) including the Patrick McGoohan-esque moniker "Number 14" and his interests include cross dressing, dressing up as a fireman, practicing stage accidents (what?) and receiving identifiable injuries (don't we all?).
He has a pilots license that was probably issued in Zimbabwe and his known associates include an old fella from the village I live in, controversial seller of American weapons to Iran and US soldier Oliver North and Andy McNab, the famous Security Expert for The Sun newspaper.
Andy McNab (or Steve Mitchell as anyone who has ever served in the British armed forces and heard a grapevine once would have you believe) you will recall was the SAS Sergeant that led the ill fated Bravo Two Zero Mission in 1991 during the Gulf War and the first member of that patrol to write a book about it. Our man Number 14 knows some serious people.
All this is presented in a black and white photocopied format that has been annotated with black felt tip before duplication. Those reading old enough to recall skateboard/music zines of the 1980's and 90's will be familiar with this layout and it lends itself well here to the insane cut and paste paranoia of whoever knocked the poster up.
What kind of mentalist takes the time to do the "research" for this kind of thing and then print it out and ask to display it in the window of a public building? Foreigners it will be, you mark my words.
I am in no way trying to pooh pooh the seriousness of the issue and if there is a wanted killer roaming around our village I want to know about it as much as the next man but the main reason this has unsettled me is that as I sit here in the early hours of the morning with a shaved head, spectacles, a bit of a beard and a slightly satisfied grin (I had a wank earlier*) I am terrified that someone saw me take a picture of the library window and has passed the information to Interpol. What if Andy McNab's former regimental colleagues are fixing to come storming into my house in a case of mistaken identity in order to take me out? What then?
The saddest part of this hypothetical scenario is that I would well get off on that. I would be checking out the cut of their Nomex overalls and asking to look at their firearms. "Can I hold your MP5K if you take the mag out of it!!?" I would shout with unrestrained glee as they dragged me from my desk.
*It has been brought to my attention that my sister read this and so I would just like to point out the statement about having a wank was completely untrue. I only put it in there to sound funny. To reiterate, I have never indulged in that sort of sordid activity and frankly, I never will. Especially not into a sock or while watching Loose Women. The very thought makes my skin crawl. Thank you.
