My nephew will be five years old tomorrow and I could not be more proud of the little guy. He is wise beyond his years, tall and good looking and a credit to his Mum and Dad. The moment when my sister and her (then) fiancee took me aside and told me that they were having him, and that I could not react in the way they both knew I would for fear of letting the pre-scan cat out of the bag in a room full of people (who were all wondering why my sister was abstaining from her usually Herculean alcohol consumption) will stay with me until my dying day. More relevantly, that occasion seems like yesterday, or perhaps last week sometime. People make statements like that all the time don't they? Did your parents ever say to you that the time passes so fast you would not think it possible?
Tis true my dears, tis true.
The last ten years seem to have passed in the blink of an eye. I have loved, hated, made friends, lost friends, seen my body/health go downhill etc. just like everyone. I have fought, won, been defeated, laughed and cried. Every second, minute and hour has been filled with something or other, the ticking of the clock on my wall or the watch on my wrist ever constant, but the hindsight of my experience much less so. Six week holidays as a child lasted much longer than advertised and yet the important memories of the last few years I strive to keep clear seem to fade with a rapidity I am unable to fathom. I feel as though am living in dog years.
I feel old today.
Monday, 31 March 2008
Sunday, 30 March 2008
Manners and the downfall of polite society.
As part of my working week and by necessity at other times I have to rely on public transport. On average this means four buses a day Monday-Friday and maybe one or two buses or a train at weekends. The people that I encounter are, in the main, quiet and polite but there has always been a minority I cannot stomach. Recently the percentage of people that get right on my tits (for want of a better phrase) seems to have at least doubled. A few fundamental rules for users of public transport and those who see fit to venture from their homes and into the general public domain follow:
-When you ask a person employed in the public service industry for anything, no matter how minor or insignificant, say please. If and when the service you requested is fulfilled to your satisfaction, say thank you.
-When boarding or alighting a bus or train, consider your fellow passengers and especially those traveling in the opposite direction. For those among you uninitiated in the basic laws of physics, the following may help: "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. and "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". I am not sure how many times Newton caught the bus in Leeds when he was coming up with his first and third laws but reading between the lines I reckon it was a fair few.
Basically, the poor bastards already on the vehicle who want to alight are unable to do so until you step aside and let them. This problem is compounded if, in your selfish desire to clamber aboard, you actually do so before they have the chance to get off. This Clash of The Traveling Titans is easily avoided by simply not being an impatient Fuckwit.
-Any and all persons traveling with an infant and it's required accessories take precedent over you if you are not. This means letting them do what they need to (and letting them do it first, utilizing as much physical space as they require) in order to get where they are going. There exists also the possibility of offering them help if they look as though they may need it. I know this person is a stranger to you but think about it: you were a baby once and you probably have a fair amount of respect and protectiveness as regards your parents, so recall how it feels when someone acts in a disrespectful manner towards them and react accordingly.
-The designated seats for the old and infirm are at the front of the bus for a reason. Old people and (interestingly) ageing skateboarders have imparted to me on numerous occasions the knowledge that the first bodily indication of old age is when your knees fail. It's totally cool to sit in these seats, but give them up if they are needed. For old people I mean, not skateboarders. Fuck them, they knew what they were getting into when they started throwing themselves down ten-sets although they will probably give their seat up for you in a heartbeat.
You will be old one day if you are lucky. You may experience people who are rude and inconsiderate. Don't make yourself a part of somebody else's suffering during the Autumn of their years.
-Music is great, we are as humans the only species that understands it and enjoys it. We all like what we like but I fully do not like what you like. Keep it to yourself by wearing a pair of headphones. I prefer reading a good book when traveling but I have never felt the need to stand up during my journey and read the fucker out loud to my fellow commuters. Please afford me the same courtesy, as sped up versions of classic songs with a fine, pumping beat are not really my cup of tea. Please also refrain from putting on "some more Akon or 50 cent" (although if you have the unreleased 50cent album The Power Of The Dollar, made before he was shot and when he could actually rap, please do as it is dope and I would welcome it with open ears) .
All of the above goes some way to making my life a tiny bit easier in all sorts of ways. I am convinced that The Business Man, random idiots and 15 year old scally cap-perchers will all be reading this at some juncture so I invite them to take heed and ask that we all just get along.
-When you ask a person employed in the public service industry for anything, no matter how minor or insignificant, say please. If and when the service you requested is fulfilled to your satisfaction, say thank you.
-When boarding or alighting a bus or train, consider your fellow passengers and especially those traveling in the opposite direction. For those among you uninitiated in the basic laws of physics, the following may help: "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. and "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". I am not sure how many times Newton caught the bus in Leeds when he was coming up with his first and third laws but reading between the lines I reckon it was a fair few.
Basically, the poor bastards already on the vehicle who want to alight are unable to do so until you step aside and let them. This problem is compounded if, in your selfish desire to clamber aboard, you actually do so before they have the chance to get off. This Clash of The Traveling Titans is easily avoided by simply not being an impatient Fuckwit.
-Any and all persons traveling with an infant and it's required accessories take precedent over you if you are not. This means letting them do what they need to (and letting them do it first, utilizing as much physical space as they require) in order to get where they are going. There exists also the possibility of offering them help if they look as though they may need it. I know this person is a stranger to you but think about it: you were a baby once and you probably have a fair amount of respect and protectiveness as regards your parents, so recall how it feels when someone acts in a disrespectful manner towards them and react accordingly.
-The designated seats for the old and infirm are at the front of the bus for a reason. Old people and (interestingly) ageing skateboarders have imparted to me on numerous occasions the knowledge that the first bodily indication of old age is when your knees fail. It's totally cool to sit in these seats, but give them up if they are needed. For old people I mean, not skateboarders. Fuck them, they knew what they were getting into when they started throwing themselves down ten-sets although they will probably give their seat up for you in a heartbeat.
You will be old one day if you are lucky. You may experience people who are rude and inconsiderate. Don't make yourself a part of somebody else's suffering during the Autumn of their years.
-Music is great, we are as humans the only species that understands it and enjoys it. We all like what we like but I fully do not like what you like. Keep it to yourself by wearing a pair of headphones. I prefer reading a good book when traveling but I have never felt the need to stand up during my journey and read the fucker out loud to my fellow commuters. Please afford me the same courtesy, as sped up versions of classic songs with a fine, pumping beat are not really my cup of tea. Please also refrain from putting on "some more Akon or 50 cent" (although if you have the unreleased 50cent album The Power Of The Dollar, made before he was shot and when he could actually rap, please do as it is dope and I would welcome it with open ears) .
All of the above goes some way to making my life a tiny bit easier in all sorts of ways. I am convinced that The Business Man, random idiots and 15 year old scally cap-perchers will all be reading this at some juncture so I invite them to take heed and ask that we all just get along.
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Equality and the struggle of the modern pansy man.
If you are male and between the ages of say, 18 and 40, this world is probably a fucking mystery to you. If, as I, your musings sometimes lead you to wonder what the hell your place in society is as regards equality then why do we never speak about it? I may just have a bash.
Equality is a true and proper thing and one that should be celebrated, but abuse of equality is prevalent in the modern world and it is this that galls me so.
For one thing, I would love to think of myself as a fairly well rounded and sensitive individual but sometimes I just can't help feeling that in modern society we have drawn the short straw as a gender. It all comes down to one thing. One indesputable fact: We are not allowed to fight a women in hand to hand combat. Before you start screaming "frustrated womenbeater!", allow me to elaborate if I may. I have experienced the kind of woman that is annoyed when I open a door and let them go through it before me, the type that is aghast at the very thought of me paying for everything on a night out or a meal. They have been conditioned to think that because they are created equal (an assertion I agree wholeheartedly with BTW), such gestures of chivalry are to be taken as a personal affront, as they undermine the victories fought hard for, and won by, the feminists of previous generations. OK, rewind and change that shit. Your date is teaching you fundamental life lessons here. Don't hold the fucking door and never again try and impress by displaying the caring side of your nature. The girl has her own money (she earns more than you motherfucker) and is perfectly capable of pulling out her own chair you dunce.
We now know where we are, no Alpha males here, just two equals sharing a little space in the world so let's move on. It's the end of the night and you are waiting the taxi queue having a bit of a chat, she seems a tad cold but do you offer your coat? Fuck knows so you err on the side of caution, if she starts turning Blue and seems confused you can worry about it then. She has had a lovely time and things are going grand when a bunch of drunken men stagger past and start making rude comments. Now you may look after yourself and know a bit of Kung Fu or you may just be a fat bastard with an easily employed "scary look", but if you have a modicum of intelligence you are not going to wade into a group of young drunken men at the drop of a hat. Because you will get your arse kicked. The reaction of your date is sullen and silent and when she springs out of her reverie, it's time for equality to take a back seat and female venom is injected via your equal ears into your brain. "Why didn't you be a man and stick up for me back there?" "Those lads were really offensive and you stood by and did nothing". My dear, the problem is this: you also stood by and did nothing. Even though societies rules dictate that you are mostly exempt from an arse kicking due to the fact you have breasts and a vagina.
Arguments are worse. If you have an argument with a man and it escalates, you either back down for a myriad of reasons (mutual respect/not being the dominant party/the safe knowledge that in five minutes you will be calm and, with the air cleared, are likely to reach a rational resolution/actually having the balls to admit you are in the wrong) or you know that as an animal, (albeit a self aware animal) you are going to have to fight. Fighting and violence are part of human nature and although best avoided are sometimes the only option. I am comfortable with this. It is the age old final settler of disputes and part of our genetic makeup.
You may have the exact argument as eluded to above with the modern woman, but at no point are you allowed to show aggression. However, the lady can be as aggressive as she wants, again safe from comebacks due to the selective and fully interchangeable rules of society and equality that she is able to dip in and out of at will. She is comfortable with shouting, she is comfortable with abuse and pushing and sometimes all out violence. You are, as a modern pansy man, rendered impotent by the very fact of being a civilized member of society.
From personal experience I ask the following: Where is the equality and civility in a drunken woman squaring up to you whilst on a night out, ripping open your shirt and spitting in your face when you know that to give in to your first instinct and have a fight not only goes against the grain of everything you were brought up to be but will lead to the disappointment of your peers and possibly a court appearance whereby you will instantly be the underdog no matter the circumstances?
Where is the equality in being present when a girl starts trouble with a group of men and you are the one that is beaten?
Show me a petition that states women should have equal pay, equal rights and not be discriminated against and I will sign that motherfucker in a heartbeat. I have never hit or abused a woman in my entire life and I don't expect props for this simple fact, I just think the modern man needs to take his Manhattan Portage manbag and his funny haircut and start standing up for his beliefs. Equality should mean equality.
Equality is a true and proper thing and one that should be celebrated, but abuse of equality is prevalent in the modern world and it is this that galls me so.
For one thing, I would love to think of myself as a fairly well rounded and sensitive individual but sometimes I just can't help feeling that in modern society we have drawn the short straw as a gender. It all comes down to one thing. One indesputable fact: We are not allowed to fight a women in hand to hand combat. Before you start screaming "frustrated womenbeater!", allow me to elaborate if I may. I have experienced the kind of woman that is annoyed when I open a door and let them go through it before me, the type that is aghast at the very thought of me paying for everything on a night out or a meal. They have been conditioned to think that because they are created equal (an assertion I agree wholeheartedly with BTW), such gestures of chivalry are to be taken as a personal affront, as they undermine the victories fought hard for, and won by, the feminists of previous generations. OK, rewind and change that shit. Your date is teaching you fundamental life lessons here. Don't hold the fucking door and never again try and impress by displaying the caring side of your nature. The girl has her own money (she earns more than you motherfucker) and is perfectly capable of pulling out her own chair you dunce.
We now know where we are, no Alpha males here, just two equals sharing a little space in the world so let's move on. It's the end of the night and you are waiting the taxi queue having a bit of a chat, she seems a tad cold but do you offer your coat? Fuck knows so you err on the side of caution, if she starts turning Blue and seems confused you can worry about it then. She has had a lovely time and things are going grand when a bunch of drunken men stagger past and start making rude comments. Now you may look after yourself and know a bit of Kung Fu or you may just be a fat bastard with an easily employed "scary look", but if you have a modicum of intelligence you are not going to wade into a group of young drunken men at the drop of a hat. Because you will get your arse kicked. The reaction of your date is sullen and silent and when she springs out of her reverie, it's time for equality to take a back seat and female venom is injected via your equal ears into your brain. "Why didn't you be a man and stick up for me back there?" "Those lads were really offensive and you stood by and did nothing". My dear, the problem is this: you also stood by and did nothing. Even though societies rules dictate that you are mostly exempt from an arse kicking due to the fact you have breasts and a vagina.
Arguments are worse. If you have an argument with a man and it escalates, you either back down for a myriad of reasons (mutual respect/not being the dominant party/the safe knowledge that in five minutes you will be calm and, with the air cleared, are likely to reach a rational resolution/actually having the balls to admit you are in the wrong) or you know that as an animal, (albeit a self aware animal) you are going to have to fight. Fighting and violence are part of human nature and although best avoided are sometimes the only option. I am comfortable with this. It is the age old final settler of disputes and part of our genetic makeup.
You may have the exact argument as eluded to above with the modern woman, but at no point are you allowed to show aggression. However, the lady can be as aggressive as she wants, again safe from comebacks due to the selective and fully interchangeable rules of society and equality that she is able to dip in and out of at will. She is comfortable with shouting, she is comfortable with abuse and pushing and sometimes all out violence. You are, as a modern pansy man, rendered impotent by the very fact of being a civilized member of society.
From personal experience I ask the following: Where is the equality and civility in a drunken woman squaring up to you whilst on a night out, ripping open your shirt and spitting in your face when you know that to give in to your first instinct and have a fight not only goes against the grain of everything you were brought up to be but will lead to the disappointment of your peers and possibly a court appearance whereby you will instantly be the underdog no matter the circumstances?
Where is the equality in being present when a girl starts trouble with a group of men and you are the one that is beaten?
Show me a petition that states women should have equal pay, equal rights and not be discriminated against and I will sign that motherfucker in a heartbeat. I have never hit or abused a woman in my entire life and I don't expect props for this simple fact, I just think the modern man needs to take his Manhattan Portage manbag and his funny haircut and start standing up for his beliefs. Equality should mean equality.
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