I am fucked off with Google now as well/Businesses named by winners.

This is a multi subject post dealing with my inadequacies as a "blogger", the fact that Google are too selfish to let their streetview technology prevent me from being a lazy fucker and almost as an afterthought the fact that some businesses are named by geniuses and some are named by idiots.

Let me begin by explaining that I did intend to take pictures of some shops and shit to illustrate this post but then kept forgetting/was too idle. I actually did do it once but it was dark and they were a bit wank and if you don't know by now that quality is my watchword here then it's unlikely you ever will.

I even asked a few people to send me photos of shops and stuff that they had mentioned when the subject came up in conversation but I got exactly fuck all so I am taking it upon myself to do it anyway and then maybe edit later (this will 100% never happen, it's like every time I promise my girlfriend that I will put the bins out on a Sunday "no love I won't forget" and "yes love just go to bed". I have every intention of doing it, am even offended by her assertion that for some reason I might not, I just somehow just never actually achieve it and she then has to get up in the morning and rush after the dudes in the truck with our full wheely bins).

Anyway I had an Archimedes moment and thought "just use streetview and then screencap it you FUCKING OLYMPIAN OF A MAN".

Here are the results:


Takin' The Pizza.

When I was a young man I professed to a few friends that I had an ambition to one day open a pizza shop and call it "Pizza The Action". Looking back it was a poor ambition to have, the moniker was neither funny nor rude enough and didn't have anywhere near the amount of "je ne sais quoi" as the above purveyor of fine pizzas.

I like this one, it mixes elements of the inane with the potential for profanity and so works on a few very clever levels. If you are a patron and assuming you are not having your pizza delivered by the goons in the modified Pergeout 206 that provide this service, then you may want to walk in, order your meal and "take it away". Are you with me? You would then literally be TAKING YOUR PIZZA. But get this: sometimes in English parlance, if a person is seen to be taking advantage of a situation in order to satisfy themselves or perhaps for personal gain then they are said to be "Taking the piss". It is I am sure you will agree a fine thing when someone decides to combine the two and push the envelope in this manner.

The problem here was that streetview won't let me pan around the bus stop and so the shop front is less than visible. At least we can see the sign so it's not a completely lost cause unlike:



Tanorexic.

This one didn't work out so well for reasons that are evasive and on the tip of my tongue. Come to the fore I beg of you! Ok so you will just have to take my word for it but this is now a tanning/beauty salon called Tanorexic, I shit you not. The beauty (fnaar fnaar) of this name is that it isn't even just a massively misguided play on words. That would be bad enough, but Tanorexic is actually a term used to describe people that are addicted to going on a sunbed, something that can be detrimental to ones health and lead to cancer of the skin.

It's akin to calling an off licence "Tommy's Liver Cirrhosis, Impotence and Lung Cancer Emporium" or a supermarket "We Fuck Farmers And Local Businesses Right Up Their Puckered Ringpieces And None Of You Poor Bastards Are Left With a Choice" (although the signmaking for those could possibly prove to be a pain in the arse.)



Ace Dentura.

It's snappy, to the point and a reference everyone will get isn't it; you think "my car has a minor imperfection or ding in it's bodywork that could be remedied by conveniently calling a mobile repairer of such things" and before your synapses have finished firing you have equated said service with a mid nineties comedy vehicle and springboard that launched the career of Jim Carrey. It is a link lost on no fucker this one.

I am especially proud of this picture as it is not from streetview but one of my own taken with my phone from the bus stop I wait at on a morning amid a load of commuters, in the snow and freezing cold with one hand while trying to keep steady and not look like a raving lunatic that takes pictures of passing cars. So there.

This entry or whatever the correct term should be was encouraged by @Linz_Smith.
Follow him on Twitter and if you happen upon him in a London nightclub or gig then suck him off in the toilets. But make sure he finishes.